a joke contorted

santa-i fell from a 50 meter tower when i was five.
banta- did u survive
santa- i dont remember.. it happened long time back!!!.
when i first heard this, i dismissed it as yet another sardarji special.
but it kept coming back and only i know why..
somethings hurt you so bad, that you are not sure if you have survived it even after it fades from your memory.wounds heal,smiles return,but u know things would never be the same again.you might forget but forgive..!!!

"fuzzy" logic

for somebody who believes there is a pattern to all our lives,there is a reason for and in life,life has become a series of raised -eyebrow stuff.the apopheniac must be prepared for rude disappointments.the world truly appears chaotic to say the least.but i refuse to give in..all these events lead to something..they must..(like chekhov's protagonists).may be we dont see a pattern now..like a painter who has just about begin his work..for somebody watching,not acquainted with his train of thoughts all his crooked lines and shades seem meaningless but as he continues.. "order" re-appears.may be our life's a painting that's just started.
whenever i go to the "men's parlor" to get a hair cut,and give a perplexed look for the sheer reckless pace my barber chops strands at will and what i perceive his fancies...he says " relax...i know what i am doing even if u dont".so i guess..all i must do is a "keep a still head" while he and the world "try" to make sense.

soliloquy

sometimes "i" feel like giving that 10rs to the beggar on the road ,but "i" also feel like saving it for my weekend churmuri."i" set the alarm at 4..but "i" also motku on its head as soon as it goes off and sleep for 2 more hrs ."i" must not tell lies "i" think,but "i" also agree a little approximation will save me a lot of explanation,"i" love watching cricket but "i" also fully realise it's what people do for want of better work...blah blah .these apparent contradictions apart..what i am trying to figure out is ..is it the same "i" that manages to come up with all these mutually conflicting actions or are all of these small "i"s part of the bigger "i".
whichever "i" it is, "i" think "i" have confused you enough.

On the right to mock..

"it seems there is something called as "abhaava vairagya" in indian philosophy, which means a sense of(snobbish and superflous) detachment and renunciation towards something u cannot achieve/u have tried and failed to achieve. most of us at one time or the other fall prey to this.the other day we were talking about how pathetic a quiz was and how stupid the quizmaster was.indeed it was a mockery of all the quizzing we knew.no doubts,but the hard fact remains we got knocked out in the first round itself.
the only person according to me who has the right to sneer on it is the winner and no one else.the same logic perhaps applies to our universities and colleges.except the topper, all of us are plain "sour".just because grapes are a little too high might not necessarily mean they are sour.
its a quote only if EINSTEIN says "schooling doesn't teach u anything"if i and u say it ..well..never mind.

Wistful Wails

when tears are shoved away and sighs betray
i wish i could find your shoulder to rest on.

when life becomes a little too serious a mockery,
i wish i could learn your laugh.

when i need to stand up and face them at their mercy,
i wish i could sense your hands clasp mine.

when i doubt myself and my words,
i wish i could feel u nodding inside me.

when the entire horizon looks hazy,
i wish i could see u beckon me from far.

when i freeze in this "cold" world,
i wish u were here a little closer, a little snugger.

lost in the dunes of vulgar emptiness ,
i sing the familiar song "i wish u were here"

You like people, who are like You.

ramblings of the the lonely surfer!!.it has become a daily ritual for me now, to hop from one profile to another on orkut,in search of someone, somewhere who will force my sleepy eyelids open,some one liner,some decent testimonial,anything out of the ordinary...and somewhere in the midst of all these, i asked myself why am i doing this or rather why some useless people like me do this(i have company no doubt),and perhaps the most convincing explanation i could come up was i was not trying to find "somebody" there, but was only trying to find glimpses of myself in others,(guess some people will never cease being a narcissist.!!).it sort of gives me a strange vicarious satisfaction when i see an ayn rand or SLB figure in their "books"; hazaaron khwaishein aisi,15 park avenue, in their "movies".all this crap about friends complimenting each other is merely superfluous. u must have a strong undercurrent of congruent interest(s)(read passions)first,everything else will be mere details(uff..).so every time u say i have nothing in common with 'x' but we are the thickest of friends,check your premises,u would definitely have at least one thing in common, sufficient enough to carry your whole interaction together.Unlike poles attract; is only true for magnets and should not be applied to the infinitely more disordered, collection of hormones called humans.

unlike humans are unlikely to attract each other.

so next time my friends act like idiots and absolute imbeciles,somewhere i know i share their madness.so PEACE!!

Being grumpy is not worth the effort...

if u ask me i have made a lifetime out of sulking and complaining,about everything,my shoes,my friends,my college,the weather around...and suddenly i realise it could have been so much more simple, so much more easy. the facade that i put put up,is so unnecessary,so uncomfortable,i have been so used to wearing the mask i have been wearing,that i had just about forgotten how i look within,its so easier to be happy. with a little effort i could pull off that veneer that so much threatened to become me. that typical disdain,that snobbish contempt for most around u,can be so easily done away with.life appears and is so beautiful if only u are willing to not close your eyes. for all these years life has not been perfect and neither will it be in the future,but then as "somebody" sent me a message right when i needed it,"being happy doesn't mean life's perfect, it only means u are willing to look beyond those imperfections" cheers!!

Hazaaron khwaaishen aisi ki har khwaaish pe dum nikle

I don’t know when it exactly happened .we are still friends.i still wish her on her birthday.we still talk.but it seems so empty, perfunctory, talking about "ram sethu issue,sharukh's next movie,and sachin's future....
we never had to resort to such clichéd GD topics and “current affairs” to escape the drudgery of silence. i can feel pauses making prolonged visits in our conversation as if each one of us is trying to turn away but courtesy keeps our mouth talking.we kill time by spilling words and sentences that have no reflection of ours’-talking of something someone told you once but you forgot because it was useless, something that you read in the paper this morning, some damn irrelevant thing.
any thing that’s not personal .
But it was different before. I could tell her my deepest agonies, darkest dreams., each time I would empty my heart only to find it full the moment she left me.she would listen to me calmly, unruffled. then she would tell me little ,trivial things of no consequence to anybody except her .i felt so strong, so peaceful during those evenings on the terrace.
something happened somewhere, I am not sure what it was, nothing scandalous, nothing acrimonious was ever said by any of us, we never fought, but somewhere there was discontentment, a few taciturn replies on phone, a slight communication gap..But it was back on tracks in a few days. I thought we had weathered a trivial misunderstanding out and all would be well. that turned out to be a gross misconception..the abyss kept widening till we felt little trace of our previous bonding. I am yet to fully understand what happened, I so much enjoyed that feeling of having someone to talk to, and being a person implicitly trusted.
I just guess we outgrew each other.I wish we came back but I know we needn’t,
we won’t.

loud whispers

things i have always wanted to say aloud.to people.but never did..
will u ever shut up,
god!i wonder what if u were as intelligent as u think u are,
u r under an oath i guess to juxtapose extremely contrasting colours and show that they can be worn ...err..(my choice of words are deliberate)
the more u try to tell us what u have achieved the more we start doubting your worthiness..
do something for your sense of humour..it stinks
no kite runner is not a cartoon show like road runner.(no i am not making this up)
do u actually read all the books that u borrow or u use it for weight calibration.
if the doors of heaven were to open half as frequently as u grin,half the mankind would have got through,
the only reason we stay together is because we both haven't yet found someone better..
i might say i like you,but why tell something i myself am not sure of,
i am not going to trust u again,i said it last time also,
my genuine sympathies with all those who have to bear u..
u were so sane yesterday..how come...oh i guess u are entitled to eccentricities...
its so nice to have mutual hatred for each other...
man ..u r good except at the very moment i bank on u..
ah...the art of flattery..often used..loses charm
oh how i wish i had ur skill and u my confidence...
someday,we both will laugh over how foolishly we both had behaved.. to ourselves seperately
i wish i were sure u never will read my blog..would have been more fun then...
but i dont think about you at all..(courtesy ayn rand)

P.S-the concept is borrowed..originality to be credited whenever u feel like u r being addressed..for readers,if any

culpable.......

sometimes when you trace your path back...u realise how reckless your footsteps have been,how caught in your aimless rush,
u stamped on many a foot,
destroyed budding anthills,
trampled tiny industrious ants,
crushed unheralded buds, just off the branch,
how a pompous stride cramped a dream,.........
accused of murder we may not be, but of being callous,of being indifferent,of being haughty,we all are guilty of,tainted we all are....

musings of a somnambulist.!!!!

sometimes its hard to hate yourself..
sometimes its hard to like others...
sometimes its better to let the kid enjoy the candy
that he found luckily on the street,
sometimes peace has a price to pay..
sometimes the only way to appear sane is to behave like insane,
sometimes ignorance is a privilege u wished for, but could not afford,
sometimes ambiguity becomes your only saving grace,
sometimes u wish u knew what u dream..
sometimes u know..but u still hope,
sometimes lying awake is such a waste of time,
sometimes lies are so comforting,u wonder why they have to be called so,
sometimes your eyes can be so ruthless,
sometimes its hard to hate yourself..
sometimes u know...u don't have to...

if death weren't such a frightening mystery would we still want to live!!!!

the importance of units...

well a "gentleman" fondly called KBS has emphasised the importance and use of appropriate units in all his problems..and i realised it a few days back much to my chagrin.
i was entrusted with the shopping part of the ensuing festivities as a preparation for future obligations..i resented..but couldn't help it...
so i went on a fine afternoon..after finishing my lab..to get hannu- hoovu..only to realise flowers come to the market only in the evenings..but nevertheless..i persisted...and found an hovamma..and i realised i had to buy 5..err 5(something)god what were the units..they were measured in something...(yards,metres,furlong..)and i i kept staring at her without speaking..she finally asked me -eshtu "maaru" buddhi...so there it was. it was called maaru...and i said " haan ondu 5 maar kodi saaku"..as if i always knew..
scene 2
i went to a fruit shop and i asked him how much was a dozen of banana..(ya i knew it this time..)but the fellow stumps me by saying.."illi kg lekka" now how the hell am i supposed to know how much a dozen weighed...which would require the specific weight of banana..conspicuously missing from our data hand books..;)
well i did manage to make a deal with the fellow..i concede a pinch of clumsiness..
but sir,it sure drove home your point...

results awaited....

For years now I have kept telling myself, I shall cross the bridge when it comes. And now ,it suddenly hits me that there is no bridge. I had to build one.I stare at the huge gaping abyss and think of calling a tender to start constructing it.I realize it’s too late. I see my friends waving at me from the other side, in sympathy, in mockery. and some dissatisfied ones in jealousy,in warning.i am not sure if the bridge is worth crossing,i think... I decide to turn back, walk a little and come back running and right from the edge of the daunting cliff, take one huge leap of faith.the fall doesn’t frighten me,I know it cant kill me.i may be wounded if at all I choose to get hurt,but may be,may be I will reach the other side,like so many others and find it greener,happier.may be u don’t need to build a bridge,may be u don't need to cross it at all.will get to know soon..

optimism is the first cousin of love ---GDR

All that Remains...

The court ordered the excavation at the sacred/disputed site.
to search for evidences to interpret the past.the specialists were called in.Specialists who would give an opinion as to who had destroyed whose structure first.both the parties dreaded the decision,an end seemed inevitable-precisely what they had struggled hard to avoid-an END.dig they did and soon the shovels struck something else than a stone.they all dug carefully,and whatever it was, was present in huge numbers,they felt it all over the site. and then it dawned upon them as they all shuddered in disbelief..
remains it was...of all men and women who were murdered brutally,killed mercilessly,of all those people who realised the futility,only when it was too late.
bones and skulls strewn all over,of innocent victims,of wily perpetuators,all who went down for this 'cause' sans reason. in mockery, in contempt,they lie as an ominous reminder of our misguided beliefs and priorities.

finding the right _____

co-ordinating(read being present at) everyone's recruitment process without being a participant in that chaos is a privilige i have thoroughly enjoyed.the way we approach our "placements" to me is a mere extension of the choices we make in our lives.and i have found to my own utter dismay, disturbing similarities between finding a job and finding a girl.!!!
most of us keep emphasizing our resolution to wait for the right___ but a little later some of us realise that perhaps some___is better than no____.and of course all___ are almost the same.their offers are almost the same, just a few variations here and there.this desperation creeps in mainly due to the elders(HRs) who before rejecting our advances to their___ convince that we are not good for any ___ in general.most of us however do believe in these half-truths and adopt the the tried and tested strategy of "try and try and try again tommorow"until some ___decides u r good enough.that is to say try your luck from the first___ u come across till the fated ____.but..here's the catch- once some ___ selects u ,u r not permitted to pursue any other ___.(infidelity!!??).though in a lot of "other" places u can have more than one___.we are firm .of course u can have as many ___ unofficially(off-campus) as u can fend for.
theoretically atleast there is a chance of a dream ___ coming in.a dream ___usually tends to be a____,far superior in all respects,and everybody would want this dream___ but if u already have a ___u can contest only when almost everyone along with u has got a ____.therefore u must see to it that others also get a ____,so that later we can have the luxury of 2 ____(but this never happens no matter how well the economy is doing).Till then we stand by our unspoken rule one man one___.

good fences make good neighbours

Hmm . . . . its going to be one long year without him, a friend who came just at the right time and left at almost the right time. somebody who was there but not quite, stayed long enough for me to remember him but short enough to wave him good bye with not so much of a discomfort, probably like a ‘paste it’ notes…u know…its always there as long as u want it but would not try to stubbornly stick itself when its time to remove it, to some one who showed me how to remain detached, and showed me how unambiguous a relationship can be, a far cry from my usual convoluted mazes. to someone who showed me once for all that good fences make good neighbors.

baptisation !!!

As once more you descend
from your heavenly abode,
i beg thee with all my tears,
cleanse me this once.
i raise my arms and call for you,
pass through me this once.
let each blissful drop fall on me
and thence and thence,
wash away fear from my heart...
let sin remain i nay ask for that.
let hate too remain,
but take away that diabolic envy,
let evil remain,
but kill that traitorous hypocrisy,
let violence remain,
but suck away cruelty,
i dont ask you to aureate the fields,
but the minds.
imbue me with nothing more but simplicity.
pull me from this 'pompous' limbo.
in the redolence of those first drops,
i smell my redemption,
baptise me this once.

S-E-R-R-E-F-I-N-E

may i have the definition please..can u use it in a sentence..is it french...yaa am talking about national spelling bee contest....just watched a 13 year old "kid"win it...now i watch it every year and someone wins it invariably..but this year this young fellow Evan O'D-o-r-n-e-y was different.infact different would be a euphemism,if u have watched him speak ...many feel he has developmental problems..some form of 'autism'.what the f*** he is a taekwondo black belt,goes to a music school.just won this .. gimme a break..now what i loved about this prodigy(nothing less) is his attitude..they asked him why didn't u like spelling bee contests..and he says..

my favourite things to do are math and music and with the math I really like the way the numbers fit together,And with the music I like to let out ideas by composing notes -- and the spelling is just a bunch of memorization

the host asks,immediately has your opinion changed after winning..he keeps quiet.."not even a little bit...

may be a little bit
when u were listening to that last word ..at what part did u realise u were going to win..

right when he said it

he says without battling an eye lid..he sure has some attitude..no thats not arrogance,audacity it is.now few would actually go to the extent of demeaning something coveted,they have won after so much of struggle and admist such a tough competition,either they want to pretend it was nothing...or they genuinely feel it was nothing..just something they happened to win.. he certainly looks the latter.
i dont know but somewhere i see a howard roark peeking in his eyes,may be fountain head is not after all,a mere work of fiction,or WILL-O'-THE-WISP IS IT..

Quackery....

as I dragged my feet up on the stairs after yet another disconsolate performance in my internals somehow I was more melancholy than usual…6 semesters and have been through this many times before, and in fact a little too frequently for my liking. I asked myself when will this drudgery end…a deep sigh escaped my heart. I turned the key and entered into the familiar mess. I sipped the last few drops of water from the bottle and shook it to emptiness. I threw it aside not without a part of the despondency I was feeling, and it fell noisily. Am I over reacting? After all it was an internal. Yes Most of my friends would say. Though my marks have never been kind of somebody’s envy, I know at least a few would gladly settle for it. Somehow the kind of nonchalance and imperviousness I bank on eluded me today. This was not a question of today perhaps; it was a symptom of a more deeply rooted unease, a reluctance to accept the present in dangerous connivance with stubbornness, an inertia vehemently resisting change. I try to pull myself off this superficial, self-inflicted gloom, by deafening it with loud music, drowning it with perfectly frivolous activities and diverting it to something else... Something that’s less tasking, less meaningful. The symptoms subside the disease persists. They’ll keep gnawing within until I have the courage to uproot rather than prune, they’ll feed on my cowardice and comeback stronger. Until then from my side.. Godspeed !!

Amen...

someday i'll kneel before u
& make bare confesions
until then, bless my silence

someday,while u walk alone,i'll
come and hold your hand
until then, bless my absence

someday i'll hold u
by my arms before u trip,
until then, bless my blindness

someday i'll show u
all riches of the heart
until then, bless my poverty

someday i'll ask u
to forgive me
until then, bless my cowardice

someday i'll not
bid u farewell so abruptly
until then, bless my helplessness

indelible stains....

there are these small,seemingly trivial moments in life that get permanently recorded in "hidden" cameras.like bookmarks left admist the pages of life itself. somehow never managed to forget them. yet i know it was nothing significant (it was not intended to be that at least)..a phrase uttered, a glance stolen,a gesture..they are quicksands of my past. i might have crawled through them.. but some part of me is still buried there.i carry these everyday.. reliving them with the same intensity each day....these r not moments of joy or victory of grief but something more..something that stands as a culmination of a lot of choices i made..if i put together all these snaps perhaps i would get a very clear picture of how i have lived my life. the signpost might be wrong but the billboards are not.

It is on momentous ocassions that life is revealed but it is in small moments that life is understood.

i rejoice...

when i first met him he seemed too perfect..just what i thought somebody should look.i wish i were like him.then i actually met him,saw him closely from a distance, too afraid to approach.shed the fear slowly,the wall was never broken,but i managed to peek over. the more i got to know him the more i became disillusioned.oh he is not so perfect afterall..he lies,he flatters,he mocks,he stammers,he feigns knowledge,he gets tanned.he was actually like me!!.no. not yet!. the last nail in the coffin was when he tried to impress me (there was no need).that basically is insecurity...isn't it.of course i tried to read between lines but somehow i know i am right.now what i think of him is no consequence to him,and purely my perception.but somewhere i stopped hating myself...somewhere because of him i signed a truce with my weaknesses.

room for life

my life is a little like my room.. always messed up, every time somebody "important" is supposed to come i try to push the filth under the cot. only to hide it. never making an effort to remove it.so each time there is more dirt, more waste.. then it starts to stink and all my efforts to hide come to nothing. i cant shove the smell off.i suffer it. too afraid to look to afraid to start.my life is a little like my room .. shantaram lying on top of a certain JBK das.each time i pick up one i miss the other. an empty pen stand ,a 2006 calendar marked with a time table to study mocks at me on my table.i see my comp shrouded in dust.. a guitar waiting for salvation...
today i cleaned my room it 'appears' better.someday i must start cleaning my life..
my life is a little like my room sumptous yet belittling

the dog knows not its a dog

like a dog that gets caught in the middle of a traffic,running helter skelter, escaping each colission by a whisker,and lands up on the footpath at last, relieved to be alive,too happy to be breathing..and then realises it is on a new road ,a road it had never seen before,a strange new road.too afraid to trace back, it..it decides to take the new road ..until the next traffic comes.
i live..nay i just survive.

one hour @cobbler's shop.

Perhaps a cobbler working on a torn shoe is the best example of life in its full brutality, blunt and true. the despondency with which the “customer” throws his slipper, the alacrity with which the cobbler takes hold of it in his both hands as if a doctor were checking his patient for injuries, the stingy and ruthless bargain that follows for that extra rupee, the reluctant concession, brimful of contempt. a fistful of disdain. a demand to sew it in black thread to avoid detection, his wry smile. his trembling hands pierce the worn out sole,as I watch detached.he tucks the flagging leather in,i watch.he finishes his operation and places it near my foot.i wear hand him a coin and just when i turn and get ready to lose this small stop in the midst of more important and significant events i hear a voice "maga joda sari hoythaa"(son,does the shoe fit properly")i nod my head dumbly and whizz past as my engine screamed at the top of its voice.

an ode to greatness-MN

yesterday happened to be MN's birthday.i wish i had his no.wanted to tell him that he shaped our lives,kindered thousands of souls like mine.i usually dont confess influences but boy,he has changed me rather made me,i seriously dont know where MN ends and i begin in my life.he taught me how to think.what amazed me was his versatility i have seen people brilliant in their domains but the universe is his domain.talk about literature,medicine,sociology..u name it he knows its depths. his sense of humour is outstanding,and those were not cheeky remarks or pjs he made but his masterful play with words and stupendous analogies that made us laugh.he had his own analogies for everything.hysteresis curve-totapuri mango,simple kuduk motion(shm).....
if u have lived in mysore and not listened to him u have missed something.long back niki had written something about good teachers,i didnt know how to reply to it then but now i realise ..perhaps a great teacher is one who can make his absence felt long after u have passed out from his classes, when u exclaim i wish he were to explain this...u know u have met one

Zahir....

Zahir in arabic means all consuming,a thing that occupies our every thought,until we can no longer think of anything else.i personally felt this was a trait of weakness,to allow something to overwhelm u in either thought or emotion was to me an equivalent of impotence.I AM GREATER THAN ANYTHING THAT CAN HAPPEN TO ME i wrote on my message board in all audacity.but once again life decided to prove me wrong.a seemingly innocous 'thing'brought me on my knees,made me do things i had derided with all zest,made me stoop to insanity and yet it seemed the most appropriate thing to do then.yes it consumes everything including logic
but there was an exotic joy in that state, a sense of purpose,a feeling of 'agape'in that mesmerisation.
when it finally chose to end itself despite my desperate clinging to it,all it left behind was emptiness,but for a revelation
an unequivocal,consummate passion(insanity)
v/s
an addled pedantic logic

a haunt

i had heard only the 
first two lines of this awesome song  on radio in a bus.
ever since then i wanted to
listen to  this song..
i dont know how its possible to pack 
so much meaning in so few a sentences.
poetry does enjoy such powers but this is sublime.!!!!
try listening to this song.the music only adds to the charm.
i have nothing much to say i am in
complete raptures.

tujhase naaraaz nahi zindagi, hairaan hoon main
o hairaan hoon main
tere masoom savalon se pareshaan hooN main
o pareshaan hoon main

jeene ke liye socha hi na tha, dard sambhalane honge
muskuraoon to, muskurane ke karz utaarne honge
muskuraoon kabhi to lagata hai
jaise hontonn pe karz rakhaa hai
tujhase ...

aaj agar bhar ayi hai, boondein baras jaayengi
kal kya pata inke liye aakhen taras jayengi
jaane kahan gum kahan khoya
ek aansu chhupake rakha tha
tujhase ...

zindagi tere gum ne hamain rishte naye samajhaye
mile jo hamain dhoop main mile chhaanv ke thande saaye

the virtue of frivolity

success and purpose have been preposterously exaggerated in our lives.u have to win,nay you have to win outstandingly.you must have a goal in life,aim nay a precise aim.i have often asked myself whether some aim is better than no aim at all whether we must succeed because we must live or we must live because we want to succeed!!.either path does not make sense to me.
life they say as such has no meaning its u who give it some.why bother then. why is it wrong to live life just the way it is- meaningless, devoid of purpose,where the only thing i want is to breath this second.nothing beyond.why is it wrong to be 'content 'with very little things in life.why go in search of knowledge,wisdom enlightment...your having read gorky,pushkin,emerson,blake means nothing apart from satisfying your ego of having done something that the world thinks is good. we are born with some instincts like hunger,trying to avoid pain,..(these might be difficult to get rid of so its better we stick with them).why complicate things by adding more to our list.why is it bad to live like animals,they do so less harm.
perhaps its not that easy.but its worth a collective try.

an insipid kiss

ever heard of bitter sweet....i always wondered how that could be but that was until i realised it a few days ago...like a hug that does not quite warm you,an applause not quite meant... an insipid kiss.thats all sometimes i am left to stare at a qualified success.perhaps i am being too finicky and conceited because what was jubiliation suddenly turns into a sigh.life has this queer habit of balancing joy with pinches of sadness and grief with silverlinings.though not altogether undesirable,i sometimes wonder if it cannot be otherwise.atleast we could savour one thing completely . thats why we niether no what is pure elation nor what is sublime grief.i say this because ultimately grief is just another feelng and is ephemeral as anything else.whether we realise this when we are under its spell is another question.
some day i would like to feel uncorrupted joy and someday unadulterated grief.
of course its cause and effect but in the necessity with which one follows the other lie all the misery of life-somerset maugham