To each onto his own

my life has been a series of HR blunders,i detest people easily, needing no great convincing to do so..and the few i have managed to like have never felt the need to reciprocate ;)..so here i stand 22 years after i opened my eyes to this species called homo sapiens ; still looking for a shoulder to lean on, a pair of eyes to laugh with,a hand to clasp.its like what Maupassant says..i am like the statue in the middle of the market place,all around me,but none with me...so sometimes when i am walking, i ask myself if i should turn the other way and say hello to a long lost friend...check up what he is upto these days.and then i ask why..just for the sake of it ?? and i usually decide to go my way and open up my reluctant,lone, empty room.but this sunday i finally decided to turn the other way...with courage i climbed up those "hallowed" steps leading up to his room and with one long deep breath knocked on the door...
it was locked.and i saw it.it was shut upon me.and there the adventure ended.
i could have gone the next day,may be he would have been home,may be not.but the steps never turned the other way,and i have left the steps and something inside me unconquered

Indiscreet observations

in shantaram he says the the universe evolves towards increasing complexity..and in that case i am supree..mly evolved.the other day i was trying to pick a pastry from a confectionery and i brooded on my choices for 15 min straight.complexity comes naturally to me.i simply cant,inspite of all my efforts be simple.i bring so many trivial variables while even making a simple decision that i get lost juggling them."U think too much" my father keeps telling me..perhaps its simple only if u know what u want...for then the only thing remaining is to get it.but for somebody who is yet to be enlightened, everything is equally enticing and equally repelling.so i end up saying anything is ok for me..which actually is an euphemism for i cant decide which is best for me.that to me is a great weakness.i used to say i am not particular about the dresses i wear,i care least about them..blah blah..but then i realised that when i refuse to make a choice,i am giving up the control of my life however trivial that part of me is,which i found entirely acceptable..for in the end i should atleast have the satisfaction of having suffered due to my own choices.