It's not only the river that meanders..

It's been quite a while now, that we started walking, why are your feet wet even now?
I knew perhaps you liked the river, but didn't we choose the desert together?.
Perhaps It's unfair to you that I keep checking whether your feet are wet ? but they are wet. Aren't they?
Had you gone to the river again?
I have never seen you going, But I have traced your footsteps many times.They were yours weren't they?
and look! your feet are still wet. Aren't they?
Did the river come to you?
perhaps. But I don't want to ask the river, I can't ask the river. but I wish it stays away, I wish you might stay away. Tell me, were you simply curious?
Alas! there can be bigger tragedies. Much water has flown under the bridge, but your feet are still wet, aren't they?
Let it not drown me. The river will never be far from me as long as it is not far from you.I dread someday, it'll be between us.
We don't need the Wry-ver, but will your feet still be wet?.......  

1 angry man (inspired by 'almost -a-man') cheers on 11 tired men

The last 6 away test matches have been an embarrassment to every Indian watching...
The very venerable Karan Johar provided the perfect muse for me to come up with this parody(if I may call it so)...


For the Uncle Jis... in Sydeny
This one's for you

Abhi bhi hai jawani, zara si hai purani
Hai phir bhi khelna VVS ji
‘bouncer’ bhula ke, haan front foot pe aake
Karo na thoda batting ji

Abhi bas hue tere baal gore-gore
sau -sau runs pehle bhi hai mare-mare
Dekho wicket liye jaa rahe hain
Aadhe umar ke bhi chhore-chhore
Ha baalon ki safedi se pheeka kab hua hai De….fe……nce…..
Uncle ji, Uncle ji, get up and bat (Chorus :2 times in each test match)
Uncle ji, Uncle ji, get up and bat (Chorus :2 times in each test match)

Dil toh chhichhora outside- off flirting kiye jaaye
half volleys pe inside edge marr marr jaaye baby
Kolhi ko bolo tajurbe se khele uncle ji,

Kitna swing pe rona rona rona
Thoda technique phir bhi mangta hona hona hona baby
Aur helicopter ghar pe rakhna uncle ji

Yeh toh bataa hare o re o re
Dressing room jaldi bulaaye tujhe kyun re kyun re

Century banaane mein jo mazaa hai woh
‘inverter’ bechne mein no re no re

O ‘ashwin’’ jo ghumaye toh tikne ka nahin koi chance
Uncle ji, uncle ji, get up and bat(Chorus :2 times in each test match)
Uncle ji, uncle ji, get up and bat(Chorus :2 times in each test match)

Perth mein jaake kuch toh dhole dhole
thoke kyun tumhe badtameez buddhe
Buddhon se run banti nahin
Chhedenge yunhi tujhe varna chhore chhore

Haan baalon ki safedi se pheeka kab hua hai defence
Uncle ji, Uncle ji, get up and bat (Chorus :2 times in each test match)

When the world does not laugh with you.....

I have a pet peeve -People don't really appreciate my sense of humour( which IMHO, is highly evolved).Now that I think of it, I can't think of anything mine that people appreciate, but there's only so much that one can sulk in a post.So, what I mean to say is I don't crack people up with my antics((My grandfather gets very angry when somebody cracks up his antiques)See what I mean!!). Nor do I have a one-liners ready mandating high-fives(Which incidentally is Chetan Bhagat's GPA :p).But I still rate myself very high on the humour quotient.(You must have seen my talent if all those brackets have not confused you.But see, that's the challenge. It must also have crossed your mind that I don't rate myself low in anything.Point taken.But will you kindly read ahead?Thank you!)

 I really think I, at times, crack very intelligent jokes. I am so particular at making it 'intelligent' that the 'joke' part sometimes gets sidelined. Once it so happened that after I recited a joke, a short silence followed  before a gentleman asked me if banana was the answer. I felt peeled and told him that it was not a puzzle. Once banana was out of the picture, a few among the audience told me that they now got the joke.

Anyway, I have given up on a career in stand-up comedy.A few would say I could not have done worse but atleast now, I can sit while I suck So I have decided to regale selected people only.(Most of them are too closely related to stop seeing me, you see).

I also feel that am very good at understanding puns, sarcasms and mockery. Infact I am so good at it, that I can see a pun where there is none.I can go to multiple levels,planes and languages to derive an additional meaning. I have appreciated many a speaker for no fault of his/hers.

I have also been a student of humour in my own way. I have tried to analyse why some jokes are funny and why some are ludicrous. Why some produce a smile and some others a guffaw...(I could go on... I have GRE Verbal ability software literary talent also you see... ). Infact even with our current capabilities, I think it's possible to build algorithms that can make computer systems understand jokes. If they can play jeopardy, they can get my jokes.

I told my friend that I spent 1000 rupees on 2 books that tried to explain why jokes are funny.Yes, he laughed.    

P.S-It is not to insult your intelligence that I have italicized word plays. You can always use it to insult mine.

The 'Pretty' bias

For reasons which are beyond the scope of this blog, yours truly has joined a gym and furthermore has to go there and work out daily. I consider it one of the absurdities of our'evolved' society that you drive 2. 5 kms to that stupid gym and pay them 2.5 k just so that they'll let you walk on that treadmill for 15 min or so.

Anyway, In this gym that i go to, I have a 'trainHer'.  Thar's right. He has so little interest in training 'hims' that I thought it's only fair that I give him an extra 'h' and make his name suit his preferences .He is 6 odd feet tall with all the right bulges and cuts.The first day that I went, he asked me to do pull-ups.In a moment of haste (and in hindsight, a very forgettable one), I asked him how many? He just motioned me to start. All I managed was a pull-up and half-dozen microscopic movements and twitches. So my trainHer patted me on my back with probably the most condescending look I have ever received. He has watched me over these few days and whatever I have done over these few days has only cemented his opinion about me or the lack of it.

So the other day I really felt like telling him, that I am not the scum of the earth after-all and I .. well.. could be good above average in some other field for all he knows. Like I have cleared Vibrations in my first attempt, have heard of Kafka, Achebe  .. and so on...

But I realised I would have to first tell him who isAchebe, why it is good to read him and so on... Infact to explain any so called accomplishment of mine, I would have to give him an elaborate background as to why I think of it as an accomplishment.....Nah...not worth the effort.

So it suddenly struck me that Intelligence( or in my case, the pretense of it) needs to be explained. Beauty, however skin- deep or muscle- tight is self explanatory.

So next time, you have the sorting hat asking you, ... think what you want to shape.

        

The Sun in my________

I have been...how do I put it...amused, by people who come to sun-set points and try to catch the sun in any natural or artificially created hollows of their body.They slouch, crouch, squat and do the awkward likes in full public view just to make sure they make appropriate openings to create an illusion of the sun going into or out of their bodies depending on their inclinations. You know what, I don't think they intend to gulp / hold/ pinch or whatever action they threaten to do with the sun.They know sun is not tasty.don't they?... It'll give them gases at best. The action probably is deeply symbolic.I am sure Freud would have had something insightful to comment on it had he been privileged enough to to see a few samples. May be he would have referred to the fascination of men (and perhaps women) with huge round objects and intense desire to.. well.... do something to it.

We just cannot let them .. i mean it... peacefully pass by. 

'Inspiration is Dead'

Yours truly has finished reading Sophie's world and after 300 odd pages of philosophy( including juvenile humour), meant for 15 year olds, thinks he has understood all there is in philosophy. Sartre's "Man is condemned to be free" suddenly has started revolving in his head too much.The 'Existentialist' has suddenly awakened and demands answers to vague and what many would call non-existent questions.
But something like this happened after I had read a grahically illustrated book on relativity also. I stared at the distant 'horizon' but it was un'eventful' and nothing 'special' turned up. I read a couple more wiki links and found that physics( more so the popular science part of it), I understood, but Maths tangled me up. The only thing I still do is look wistfully at the Physics books displayed in the British library, every time I go there. So I have sufficient reasons to believe that this current infatuation will die down.This brings me to the question- What inspiration is inspiring enough? or whether any inspiration can be inspiring enough?

I wish I could say things like my uncle brought me Meccano and I liked it so much that I decided to become a mechanical engineer. I really wish I could. But truth be told- Beggars cannot be choosers and often become  mechanical engineers.

Perhaps I am inspired by so many things that I can't get inspired by any one thing ....sort of "condemned to be inspired' I guess.....
P.S- Ironically, inspiration-challenged yours truly, had an email id - inspire-world@yahoo.com , before some pervert decided to hack it.  

If....

If you can keep your tail-up when all about you 
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you; 
If you can get others to trust your when all men doubt themselves, 
But make allowance out of their doubting too; 
If you can cheat and not be tired by cheating, 
Or, being lied about, or dealing in lies, 
Or, being hated, but don't stop taking dues, 
And  don't spend too much, nor charge too less;
If you can call a spade a spade and
yet get the other fellow to dig his own grave out of it,
If you can boast - and  have others raise a toast  to it, 
If you can think – or even otherwise
 make others think you can do so for them; 
If you can meet with triumph and disaster 
And show those two imposters just the same balance sheet; 
If you can twist the half- truth you've spoken 
and catch them in a cycle of words, a  trap for fools, 
Or watch the things they gave their lives, breaking, 
And stoop and sell them the same thing in a different packing;
If you can make one heap of all your winnings 
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss, 
And lose, and tell the winner you’ll settle it minus taxes in his account, 
And never breath a word about your gain to the government; 
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew 
To serve the different colored heads of the old man,, 
And so hold on when there is nothing in you 
Except the Will which says to them: "two more rupees";
If you can mingle with crowds and keep your margins, 
Or walk with kings - nor lose your volumes; 
If neither foes nor loving friends like you; 
If you count all men  with debts they owe you, but none too much; 
If you can fill the unforgiving minute 
With sixty seconds' worth of  ROI - 
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it, 
And - which is more - you'll be a Business -Man my son! 


P.S-Apologies to Mr Rudyard Kipling ,who is turning in his grave.